Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Foolish pride will embroil you in a harebrained scheme to transport beer from Texarkana to Atlanta, just to show up the folks who say it can’t be done.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You become the target of a lengthy FBI investigation after the “marital aids” you sell via mail-order turn out to be nothing more than severed human hands and feet.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your faith in the church is shaken forever when, while watching television, you notice yourself on the Fox program America’s Most Pathetic Confessions.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The call to share your message of love, compassion and tolerance with the world has finally come. Do not under any circumstances respond.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be committed for your own protection after doctors determine that you are crazy about a Ford truck.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The government will institute a policy of scapegoating all Sagittarians this week, plunging you into action and adventure at a relocation camp.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though the liquid-soap commercials continue to annoy you, you will not get up to change the channel.
