Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
After your gory suicide, Newsweek will run your picture on its cover with the headline, “At Last!”
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Foolish pride will embroil you in a harebrained scheme to transport beer from Texarkana to Atlanta, just to show up the folks who say it can’t be done.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You become the target of a lengthy FBI investigation after the “marital aids” you sell via mail-order turn out to be nothing more than severed human hands and feet.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your faith in the church is shaken forever when, while watching television, you notice yourself on the Fox program America’s Most Pathetic Confessions.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The call to share your message of love, compassion and tolerance with the world has finally come. Do not under any circumstances respond.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Spend less time worrying about your body. Spend more time on your ratty hair.
Libra September 23 - October 23
A phone psychic will tell you not to believe your horoscope this week, but don’t believe her. Psychics are hucksters whose fortune-telling is rooted in superstition, and who make a living telling the gullible what they want to hear.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be committed for your own protection after doctors determine that you are crazy about a Ford truck.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The government will institute a policy of scapegoating all Sagittarians this week, plunging you into action and adventure at a relocation camp.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your failure to follow last week’s horoscope has resulted in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though the liquid-soap commercials continue to annoy you, you will not get up to change the channel.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
An accident at the Pocono Mountain mansion of a prominent industrialist may be a cover-up for murder. Can Pisces get to the bottom of it? Find out next week on Pisces!
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.