Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your pocket Bible will stop an assailant's bullet, but not before it passes through four innocent bystanders, a school-bus gas tank, and your genitals.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will learn a valuable lesson about strategic thinking after you write insults in your worst enemy's Advanced Judo handbook.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
After traveling for months, Nashvillian monks will appear at your door to announce that you are the latest incarnation of the Dolly Parton.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Antisthenes wrote, "It is a kingly thing to do good and to then be abused," but that does not mean that you're the king.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
There seems to be a universal force that balances out the good and bad events in our lives. Don't worry about it, though, as nothing ever happens to you.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll never know if your "I'm With Stupid" casket was a big hit, but you have the courage of your convictions.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
There will soon come a time when your happiness depends on where and whether an enormous man catches a ball.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Be assured that the Author of all Creation has a plan for you. Unfortunately, it involves a hackneyed "evil twin" plot twist you'll see coming a mile away.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You never thought you'd do anything to set the world on fire, but after a three-month arson investigation, that's what the U.N. tribunal will determine.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars have foretold a night journey over water, so get cracking on those plane tickets, pronto.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.