Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
After years of trying, you finally win the lottery. Prepare to be stoned to death by your neighbors as per tradition.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Getting your nipples pierced will turn out to be a bad idea, as you are a cute balloon animal.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your reputation as a botanist is enhanced when you discover a new species of lichen growing on your teeth.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The feeling that you are disliked grows stronger when you receive a large, window-enveloped letter from Publisher’s Clearing House announcing that you may already be the world’s biggest jackass.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
A childhood fear becomes a reality when the giant robot from that old Queen album cover tears the roof off your workplace, lifts you in its metallic hand and puts its index finger through your body.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your old sleepwalking problem will come back. However, it will only bother you when you nod off at the wheel.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
When you accidentally fall across a table saw while carrying a box of broken glass, be sure to thank God for making you a masochist.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Carefully consider all your options before making any decisions this week. Wendy's servers will be happy to give you a sample of each food item before taking your order.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your mother tells you she's tried not to play favorites among her children, but she just can't stand you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A vision of Jesus will appear to you, but He will just point at your new haircut and tremble with laughter.
