Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will awaken from a heroic drinking binge with a terrific hangover and no memory of how you got back home. Perhaps the bloody infant shoes hanging from your car's rear-view mirror are a clue.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
After years of trying, you finally win the lottery. Prepare to be stoned to death by your neighbors as per tradition.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Getting your nipples pierced will turn out to be a bad idea, as you are a cute balloon animal.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your reputation as a botanist is enhanced when you discover a new species of lichen growing on your teeth.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The feeling that you are disliked grows stronger when you receive a large, window-enveloped letter from Publisher’s Clearing House announcing that you may already be the world’s biggest jackass.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A childhood fear becomes a reality when the giant robot from that old Queen album cover tears the roof off your workplace, lifts you in its metallic hand and puts its index finger through your body.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Your old sleepwalking problem will come back. However, it will only bother you when you nod off at the wheel.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
When you accidentally fall across a table saw while carrying a box of broken glass, be sure to thank God for making you a masochist.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Carefully consider all your options before making any decisions this week. Wendy's servers will be happy to give you a sample of each food item before taking your order.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your mother tells you she's tried not to play favorites among her children, but she just can't stand you.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A vision of Jesus will appear to you, but He will just point at your new haircut and tremble with laughter.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Veteran actor Brian Dennehy's lawyer will call you this week to inform you that Mr. Dennehy is your new owner.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.