Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your death under unusual circumstances inspires your family to establish the Aries Memorial Fund To Prevent Circus-Elephant-Related Autoerotic Asphyxiation.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your academic reputation is saved when recently discovered Egyptian texts prove your theory that Ramses II did in fact throw it all away for a cocktail waitress.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You become an overnight media darling when the local news exposes your lifelong love affair with cats.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
An attractive member of the opposite sex will misconstrue your coy flirtations this week, leaving you unfulfilled and embarrassed, but with a very full sugar bowl.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your nude silhouette becomes known to every trucker in America when you are asked to be the model for a new line of naked-profile mudflaps.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You develop a reputation as a great hunter among your co-workers after you successfully slay a deer with your Toyota.
Libra September 23 - October 23
When in doubt, old wisdom is the best wisdom: Prevent the demonic possession of your serving wench by walking around your cottage three times widdershins and rethatch your roof with mandrake root.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your most dearly held belief is proven half-wrong when scientists determine that Ernest Borgnine is grumpy but not lovable.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The Supreme Court denies you the right to appear as yourself in public after the Coca-Cola corporation claims it invented you in 1968.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Mercury in your sign says you will soon travel. Of course, this is true for roughly 40 percent of Americans.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Your mother is proven right once again when your enjoyment of snack cakes leads to heroin use.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You become a hot Hollywood property when sound-effects artists discover that shooting you in the stomach sounds remarkably like the real thing
Past Horoscopes
October 7, 2008
Issue 44•41
Aries You will soon make a comfortable living exploiting other people's deep-seated anxieties and crippling social fears.
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Taurus A surprise awaits Taurus in the days to come, or whenever it is you have that physical scheduled for.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Gemini The training wheels will soon come off your bike, as will both regular wheels, the front and back brakes, each handlebar, and finally, you.
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Cancer The look on your face will be priceless this week, but due to the core temperature of molten steel, it won't last very long.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Leo Smoking will finally kill you, but not in the way you or any of the other gas station attendants will see coming.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Virgo It's been a good life, but you always knew the day would come when the owls would finally catch up with you.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Libra Police officials will quickly rule you out as a suspect in the Case Of The Recently Showered Burglar.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Scorpio You've always had a funny way of showing affection, which is unfortunate, as your wife's getting pretty tired of all the pies in the face.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Sagittarius You're not the type of person who takes things personally, making it very hard for friends to openly insult you.