Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get that man out.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your favorite snack cake contains only four parts per million of radioactive material. Eat a quarter-million of those cakes.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Everyone will laugh at the comeuppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their attempts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Awkwardness ensues when the ghost of Bob Hope materializes in your office and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Shortly after your death this Friday, many surprising secrets of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It’s not too late to begin praying to the ants.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and immolate yourself in public.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
An error in translation while travelling results in a delightful, surprise camel-sex escapade.
