Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get that man out.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your favorite snack cake contains only four parts per million of radioactive material. Eat a quarter-million of those cakes.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Everyone will laugh at the comeuppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their attempts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Awkwardness ensues when the ghost of Bob Hope materializes in your office and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Shortly after your death this Friday, many surprising secrets of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It’s not too late to begin praying to the ants.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and immolate yourself in public.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
An error in translation while travelling results in a delightful, surprise camel-sex escapade.
