Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman’s body. You owe it to him to grab a butcher knife and start carving until you get that man out.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The entire Southern region of the U.S. will fall in love with you overnight when you accidentally win three consecutive stock-car races.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your favorite snack cake contains only four parts per million of radioactive material. Eat a quarter-million of those cakes.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Everyone will laugh at the comeuppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The barren landscape of a shattered marriage will stare you in the face this week when the Monday Night Football announcers fail in their attempts to keep your naked spouse off-camera.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Awkwardness ensues when the ghost of Bob Hope materializes in your office and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Shortly after your death this Friday, many surprising secrets of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It’s not too late to begin praying to the ants.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will cry because you have no shoes, until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and immolate yourself in public.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
An error in translation while travelling results in a delightful, surprise camel-sex escapade.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
The adventure novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.