Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Unfortunately, the depressed economy and reduced demand for the service will force you to once again scale back the price of your mustache rides.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your desire to join the winning team will take you in a strange new direction when you decide to fight on the side of lung cancer.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
It turns out that there are indeed mountains high enough and valleys low enough to keep you from your love.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll be the latest victim of the five-year unrest between the lower-woodwind and string sections of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will fail to inspire either fear or loyalty, in spite of the iron hand that you used in organizing the hayride.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The last members of your extended family will die of leprosy, putting a stop to the stream of interestingly stained hand-me-downs.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You weren't aware that you could go to hell for wearing the wrong pants, but then you saw it in the Old Testament
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your desire for further intellectual growth will be stunted when all of your questions about Aquaman are answered.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
There's an old superstition that the Devil won't come for a person who has to finish the Lord's work, but that's no reason not to do your dishes.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your career opportunities will become somewhat more limited when, for the third year in a row, you flunk out of the School Of Hard Knocks.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Although your enemies have taken back their "screw you" statement, you might want to make a point of being extra considerate to the horse you rode in on.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Don't worry about politics so much. From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of idiots.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.