Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A crafty door-to-door salesman will weave his silver-tongued magic about you, leaving you with the world's largest collection of sea monkeys.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your legendary love of mashed potatoes leads to romance when you discover a way to unlock the erotic potential of hot cream gravy and clarified butter.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your death and ascension into heaven will take a disappointing turn when, in a break with tradition, the souls of those you slew in battle refuse to serve you cold beer.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your comforting weekly routine is broken up when your mother's profanity-laden phone call never comes.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will spend the week in a walking coma after a slick big-city lawyer fills your head with a bunch of nonsense.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Dismay and hopelessness will enter your dreary little life this week in the form of twin sons.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when you become the first person in history to be bludgeoned to death with a lace doily.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You return from a much-needed vacation to find your wine cellar depleted and the muddy bootprints of two dozen construction workers in your wife's bedroom.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A film festival featuring all your early screen appearances will soon be showing in your hometown, but Sam's Super Sleazy XXX Sin-ema will refuse to give your family free tickets.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A surprise visit from your mother leads to a wacky mix-up when she finds the 700 used syringes you were saving for an art project.
