Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A crafty door-to-door salesman will weave his silver-tongued magic about you, leaving you with the world's largest collection of sea monkeys.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your legendary love of mashed potatoes leads to romance when you discover a way to unlock the erotic potential of hot cream gravy and clarified butter.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your death and ascension into heaven will take a disappointing turn when, in a break with tradition, the souls of those you slew in battle refuse to serve you cold beer.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your comforting weekly routine is broken up when your mother's profanity-laden phone call never comes.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will spend the week in a walking coma after a slick big-city lawyer fills your head with a bunch of nonsense.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Dismay and hopelessness will enter your dreary little life this week in the form of twin sons.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when you become the first person in history to be bludgeoned to death with a lace doily.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You return from a much-needed vacation to find your wine cellar depleted and the muddy bootprints of two dozen construction workers in your wife's bedroom.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A film festival featuring all your early screen appearances will soon be showing in your hometown, but Sam's Super Sleazy XXX Sin-ema will refuse to give your family free tickets.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A surprise visit from your mother leads to a wacky mix-up when she finds the 700 used syringes you were saving for an art project.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your newfound ability to pick up Canadian radio stations will be the only positive side effect of the brand-new steel plate in your head.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.