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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

March 19, 1997 | Issue 31•10

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

After hearing a new Keith Sweat version of "Your Song," your spouse will stab you to death and eat your corpse.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

A crafty door-to-door salesman will weave his silver-tongued magic about you, leaving you with the world's largest collection of sea monkeys.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Your legendary love of mashed potatoes leads to romance when you discover a way to unlock the erotic potential of hot cream gravy and clarified butter.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Your death and ascension into heaven will take a disappointing turn when, in a break with tradition, the souls of those you slew in battle refuse to serve you cold beer.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Your comforting weekly routine is broken up when your mother's profanity-laden phone call never comes.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

You will spend the week in a walking coma after a slick big-city lawyer fills your head with a bunch of nonsense.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Dismay and hopelessness will enter your dreary little life this week in the form of twin sons.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

You will achieve a kind of immortality this week when you become the first person in history to be bludgeoned to death with a lace doily.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

You return from a much-needed vacation to find your wine cellar depleted and the muddy bootprints of two dozen construction workers in your wife's bedroom.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

A film festival featuring all your early screen appearances will soon be showing in your hometown, but Sam's Super Sleazy XXX Sin-ema will refuse to give your family free tickets.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

A surprise visit from your mother leads to a wacky mix-up when she finds the 700 used syringes you were saving for an art project.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Your newfound ability to pick up Canadian radio stations will be the only positive side effect of the brand-new steel plate in your head.

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