Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.
