Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You will swear off drugs forever when, while enjoying a Pink Floyd album, your stereo tells you it is going to cut you into tiny little pieces.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Friends from out of town drop in unexpectedly this week and leave only after taking your thumbs and the $25,000 you owe them.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your last remaining sexual fantasy is shattered this week when you finally pause to think about how old Tina Turner actually is.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Earth magicks are very strong in Cancer this week, primarily because you have not bothered to wash yourself in quite some time.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Your career as a Christian singer and strong belief in an interventionist God both end this week when you are flipped out of your sport-utility vehicle and run over by a tractor-trailer rig.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Saturn’s presence in Virgo results in powerful unseen vibrations. They are called “gravity waves,” but the inverse-square law states that they are much too far away to affect you.
Libra September 23 - October 23
A mysterious, swashbuckling sexual demon will plague your town, but your name does not come up at all during the investigation.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You and your best friend will become shipwrecked on a small desert island. Because of your unusually strong bond, it will be almost a week before she eats you.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You brush your teeth for the first time in years this week, causing you to bleed to death from the gums.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Because of Monday Night Football, Capricorn will not be shown this week.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A reunion with your big-city cousin gets ugly when he turns out to be a gibbering, shaven-headed lunatic.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be sentenced to death by firing squad this week for the sole purpose of entertaining the governor.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.