Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will learn to stop hating people on the basis of skin color when a righteously angry black man plucks your eyes from your head and feeds them to you.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be sent on a thrill-packed adventure this week when a wounded, bedraggled Jesus Christ appears at your door and enlists your help in finding the bastards who killed him.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Another Gemini desperately needs your financial help. Please order 10 Pure Moods CDs immediately.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
This is a good time for you to begin long-term projects. It will soon be winter, and you have no food, warm clothing, or comfortable shelter.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Lay down the law with people who habitually take advantage of you. Don’t allow them to stay at your house, borrow money, or have sex with you until they stop their exploitative ways.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You become renowned in international art circles this week when devious sculpture forgers sneak into your house, pour bronze over your sleeping form, and sell you to a collector as a long-lost Rodin.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
People in positions of power are lying to you: It is perfectly safe to operate power tools in water.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will win almost $25 million in the lottery this week. It will make little difference in your life, however, as you are Prince Rainier of Monaco.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will win a landmark Supreme Court case this week when Mistress Mayhem is found guilty of giving you a substandard spanking.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Sun magic is strong in your sign this week. Stare into the sun for an hour to receive portentous visions.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You realize a lifelong dream this week when you finally get that annoying guy with the glasses fired from your local sandwich shop.
