Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The ancient Japanese art of bonsai involves the pruning and binding of dwarf pines. It has nothing to do with what you do to those poor midgets.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Before you argue with your mate, ask yourself if you're angry because of something they did or something you did. Then insist you're right.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your refusal to make love to your boyfriend unless he wears the Jesus costume might be creepy, but it's what makes you "you."
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Just because Cancer is known as "The Crab" is no reason to be so grumpy. Jeez.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Financial reward could be in your future this week, as Gemini is offering limited-time zero-percent interest on all balances transferred from other Zodiac signs. Apply now.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You know it's just a trick of the light, but you could swear the weather lady was looking right at you during the forecast.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Just so you know, Dr. Hook is not actually a real doctor. Please stop making all those appointments with him.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Though it may seem like you are overflowing with love for that special someone, that liquid is merely a natural byproduct of physical arousal.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Don't expect any dramatic change in your life now that Madeline Kahn has died.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will experience a journey over water this week. Oh, and taking a shower technically counts as a journey.
