Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You get the feeling God is trying to tell you something when you find little reminder notes all over your house written in all caps and signed "God."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Try to turn your broken heart into an opportunity. Many states allow emotionally distressed people to plead murder down to manslaughter.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Sometimes expressing yourself to your boyfriend might be difficult, but he can't read your mind. Break up with him and find a psychic boyfriend.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A large financial reward looms in your future, as the FBI is offering $10,000 for your whereabouts.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your death in a fiery car crash almost makes the news, but it gets bumped at the last minute for a feature on at-home shoe care.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You remain unable to decide whether you want to become a modern primitive or a primitive modernist.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Though your heroism may go unheralded, you should enter the burning building to save those old issues of Club.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will successfully capture that old feeling from the early days of your marriage. However, the old feeling in question is all-consuming lust for Scott Baio.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Try to break your habit of turning to anonymous sources for general advice on your problems.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
This is a bad time to start a new business venture. You've got no business experience at all, for God's sake.
