Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You swore that your love would last until the seas ran dry, the mountains crumbled, and the sun grew cold, so you'll be single again as of Thursday.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your life will no longer be worth living after you see the dismal quality of this week's Top Ten Plays on SportsCenter.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will fall out of favor with the community, be shunned by your family, and lose your job after you dare to suggest that Audrey Hepburn had kind of a big nose.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Before you grow facial hair, consider the various styles, the level of maintenance required, and the prophecy that you'll die when your beard gets caught in a table saw.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Sometimes success is just showing up—not as often as being the son of the company president, but sometimes.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
If you, like many Virgos, are a gambler, the stars advise you to bet on the army of horned demons and take the points.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
In times of war, man must adopt the countenance of the tiger. But for now, you're doing fine with the sheep thing.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will wake from a sound sleep shaking and weeping, struck by the sudden revelation that you need a new vacuum cleaner.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Fire and Earth magicks are strong in Sagittarius this month, which may or may not be a bad sign for your upcoming monster-truck show.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Cold winds will roll in at the end of the week, putting an end to this unseasonably warm spell of weather and making the loss of your arms that much harder to endure.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The Académie Française will rule that your name is never to be spoken within France's borders.
