Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're tired of the people at work treating you like an incompetent nincompoop, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they're right.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be chosen to star in a new television adventure series this week. Unfortunately, the show's title is The Constantly Drunk Bus Driver And The Marvelous Mr. Chicken Take Tulsa.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
All your hip, ironic '80s rock T-shirts will wear out at once this week, leaving you feeling despondent and old.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
After being abandoned on a cross-country family camping trip, your beloved German shepherd will cover 2,000 miles to return home and tear out your femoral artery.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars in Leo are harbingers of neither good nor evil this week. They are, in fact, massive fusion reactions millions of miles across.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
No matter what happens to you this week, the good people at Virgo are there to help. Virgo... Where People Are The Stars.™
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your long journey toward spiritual perfection will be hindered this week by yet another sexy priest.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will enjoy inner peace this week when you finally come to terms with your grandmother's death, almost 10 years after you beat her skull in with a tire iron.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your love life takes a turn for the better this week when you discover a magic passion elixir made from the secretions of Spanish flies.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Fire and earth magic are strong in Aquarius this week. Seek out the nearest active volcano and throw virgins into the caldera until you become rich and famous.
