Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're tired of the people at work treating you like an incompetent nincompoop, but upon further reflection, you have to admit they're right.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be chosen to star in a new television adventure series this week. Unfortunately, the show's title is The Constantly Drunk Bus Driver And The Marvelous Mr. Chicken Take Tulsa.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
All your hip, ironic '80s rock T-shirts will wear out at once this week, leaving you feeling despondent and old.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
After being abandoned on a cross-country family camping trip, your beloved German shepherd will cover 2,000 miles to return home and tear out your femoral artery.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars in Leo are harbingers of neither good nor evil this week. They are, in fact, massive fusion reactions millions of miles across.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
No matter what happens to you this week, the good people at Virgo are there to help. Virgo... Where People Are The Stars.™
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your long journey toward spiritual perfection will be hindered this week by yet another sexy priest.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will enjoy inner peace this week when you finally come to terms with your grandmother's death, almost 10 years after you beat her skull in with a tire iron.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your love life takes a turn for the better this week when you discover a magic passion elixir made from the secretions of Spanish flies.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Fire and earth magic are strong in Aquarius this week. Seek out the nearest active volcano and throw virgins into the caldera until you become rich and famous.
