Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will achieve a certain kind of notoriety when you get rich selling the world's most tasteless exercise program.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be shaken to your very core by the revelation that not everything in the universe is exactly the same size.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
This will not be a time of great changes for Cancer, but it will be a time of above-average sandwiches.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will feel like an ass when you believe a story that was obviously fiction and intended to be entertaining.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A sense of confusion comes over you when, after an acquaintance tells you to "keep up the good work," you cannot recall ever doing any such work.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Don't listen to the people who tell you you should have that fist-sized tumor removed from your esophagus. They're just jealous.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You are a melding of light and shadow, sunset and dawn, a multitude of wonders fused in mortal flesh. And a great big flabby lump of flesh it is, too.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The tiniest bite of a fresh-baked madeline will bring a sudden flood of memories of other times you ate cookies.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Though you may decide a Dorothy Hamill hairdo looks terrible on you, that's no reason to take it out on Ms. Hamill.
