Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Though you will soon find yourself sharing an exciting cross-country road trip with Jerry Reed and a lop-eared basset hound, it's not what you think.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will achieve a certain kind of notoriety when you get rich selling the world's most tasteless exercise program.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be shaken to your very core by the revelation that not everything in the universe is exactly the same size.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
This will not be a time of great changes for Cancer, but it will be a time of above-average sandwiches.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Though you don't expect much from the holiday season, you'll still be let down.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You will feel like an ass when you believe a story that was obviously fiction and intended to be entertaining.
Libra September 23 - October 23
A sense of confusion comes over you when, after an acquaintance tells you to "keep up the good work," you cannot recall ever doing any such work.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Don't listen to the people who tell you you should have that fist-sized tumor removed from your esophagus. They're just jealous.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You are a melding of light and shadow, sunset and dawn, a multitude of wonders fused in mortal flesh. And a great big flabby lump of flesh it is, too.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The tiniest bite of a fresh-baked madeline will bring a sudden flood of memories of other times you ate cookies.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Though you may decide a Dorothy Hamill hairdo looks terrible on you, that's no reason to take it out on Ms. Hamill.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your holiday experience will have much in common with Inuit creation myths, especially the snowy parts.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.