Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your theory that everyone looks good in pantsuits should probably be amended to include recent data obtained by your mirror.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your habit of falling back on arguments of constitutionality during every debate won't help decide whose turn it is to take the garbage out.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're aware that life isn't a nice, sweet fairy tale. That said, it's about time you get to the sex and drugs.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're proud to have been cited by several important scientists, even if it was as an example of the potential "gray goo" problems in nanotechnology.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Everyone has potentially fatal flaws, but yours involve a love of soldiers' wives, an insatiable thirst for whiskey, and the seven weak points in your left ventricle.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's not too late for you to learn new tricks in the bedroom, but it's too sad and disgusting to even think about.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
All things considered, you have a hard time believing that on-base percentage alone could be the answer to success in baseball.
