Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You fail to understand the primordial mystery of the funk: You can still have it no matter how many times you give it up.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You'll win the lottery, but it's not one of those cool lotteries that decides who lives and who dies.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your theory that everyone looks good in pantsuits should probably be amended to include recent data obtained by your mirror.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your habit of falling back on arguments of constitutionality during every debate won't help decide whose turn it is to take the garbage out.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It has been said that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac, but there are other reasons why Jenny is sleeping with her assistant manager and not you.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You're aware that life isn't a nice, sweet fairy tale. That said, it's about time you get to the sex and drugs.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
There are some vital, useful ideas in Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged, but you shouldn't apply them to home decorating.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You're proud to have been cited by several important scientists, even if it was as an example of the potential "gray goo" problems in nanotechnology.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Everyone has potentially fatal flaws, but yours involve a love of soldiers' wives, an insatiable thirst for whiskey, and the seven weak points in your left ventricle.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
It's not too late for you to learn new tricks in the bedroom, but it's too sad and disgusting to even think about.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
All things considered, you have a hard time believing that on-base percentage alone could be the answer to success in baseball.
