Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll go through a cranky phase this week, but by the weekend you'll be relaxed and cheered up, thanks to a loving hug from best-selling author James Michener.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will start the week super-charged after a severed power line falls through your bathroom window and sends ball lightning into your shower.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Though you usually see eye-to-eye with your boss, he finally confronts you about your spending thousands of the company’s dollars on his wife's 900 number.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The pain of becoming a widow for the third time is eased somewhat when you purchase a car horn that plays the theme from Ice Castles.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Not even the grave will offer you peace after your relatives choose your epitaph from among their favorite beer slogans.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your fame rises to such heights that your entire body is pressed permanently into the concrete sidewalk outside Mann's Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars indicate that you need to become a more sensitive person. Try sandpapering your eyeballs.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will inspire many jokes after losing $500 to Helen Keller in a craps game.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You will be talked out of suicide by a crowd of relatives and friends who have learned how easy it is to swindle money from you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You melt away 50 pounds by taking a job cleaning up at a funeral parlor. Unfortunately, you also develop a bad habit of snacking on leftover bits of human flesh.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A bargain struck with a small-time demon will result in your playing a high-stakes game of Skee-Ball this week for possession of your immortal soul.
