Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The mystical power of numerology makes itself apparent this week when your phone-psychic bill inexplicably turns out to be equal to the number of minutes you spent talking multiplied by $3.95.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Give yourself a special treat this week. Kill your mother. Kill her. Kill her. Kill her.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will enjoy a financial windfall this week. Be circumspect in spending this money, however, or the PTA will get a new treasurer.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Because of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Though the mystical force of the harmonious alignment of the stars promises a fruitful aura-vibration for you this week, the forces of physics have arranged for you to die in a tragic bus accident.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your cats will be ostracized when the neighbor who finds you dead in your house tells everyone how they ate your ears.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The stars have noted that you are still single. They find this to be hilarious. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Do not let your life be controlled by your profound hatred of Cloris Leachman. Instead, focus and feed off your profound hatred of yourself.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Do not worry too much about the recent legislation making love a crime. Even if they manage to take you alive, no jury in the world would ever find you guilty.
