Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The mystical power of numerology makes itself apparent this week when your phone-psychic bill inexplicably turns out to be equal to the number of minutes you spent talking multiplied by $3.95.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Give yourself a special treat this week. Kill your mother. Kill her. Kill her. Kill her.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will enjoy a financial windfall this week. Be circumspect in spending this money, however, or the PTA will get a new treasurer.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Because of budgetary cutbacks, your horoscope will be the same as Virgo's until further notice.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Though the mystical force of the harmonious alignment of the stars promises a fruitful aura-vibration for you this week, the forces of physics have arranged for you to die in a tragic bus accident.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Whatever compassion or sympathy once motivated people to tolerate you will soon disappear.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your cats will be ostracized when the neighbor who finds you dead in your house tells everyone how they ate your ears.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
The stars have noted that you are still single. They find this to be hilarious. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Do not let your life be controlled by your profound hatred of Cloris Leachman. Instead, focus and feed off your profound hatred of yourself.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Do not worry too much about the recent legislation making love a crime. Even if they manage to take you alive, no jury in the world would ever find you guilty.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Though Time magazine promised to put you on its cover someday, beautiful, rich celebrities will soon begin dying so often that there will never be any room for you.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.