Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You'll experience newfound popularity after being remixed into an extended dance version by The Chemical Brothers.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A pall is cast over the next few weeks when the stars reveal that Hal Holbrook, your real father, has chosen you to carry on his legacy of one-man shows.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You experience a joyous reunion with long-lost friends this week when your local NBC affiliate begins airing Magnum, P.I. reruns.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars indicate that your new 225-function, 81-button, graphics-capable scientific calculator will help you obtain sex this week.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
After an internal audit of Virgo's books, we have discovered that you owe back payments of $3,421.46. Unless we receive payment immediately, your luck will be canceled.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Mars in your star sign indicates that Libra is passing behind Sol’s ecliptic.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
After clearing the negative clutter and distracting reactive emotions from the storehouse of your mind’s inner eye, you discover that you are a gullible, superstitious New Ager.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You are making great strides in personal growth this week, thanks to the vacuum pump, special weight set and steroid pills you ordered from Club magazine.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You will be tried and found guilty of several dark and depraved crimes, thanks to your following the advice you received on the Psychotic Friends Hotline.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Trouble at work subsides this week when you finally take your turn cleaning the contacts, headgear and seat of the prison's electric chair.
Past Horoscopes
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Aries Jealousy, suspicion, and utter confusion will be yours this week when you find yourself at the center of a bizarre love rhombus.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Taurus After experiencing the steep drops, abrupt climbs, and out-of-control spins of a roller coaster this week, you'll finally see why your therapist so often invokes them in characterizing your mental states.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Gemini They may make your heart race and your knees tremble, but remember: Women are just as scared of you as you are of them.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Cancer The stars indicate that they know very well who ate the last of the cottage cheese and would appreciate you replacing it, thank you.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Leo The loss of a child is never easy, especially when the resourceful little pest keeps managing to find his way back home.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Virgo You'll lose your childlike innocence this Thursday, and, after pleading guilty to a number of charges, your adult-like innocence as well.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Libra You'll dive into frigid waters to save the life of a complete stranger this week. Unfortunately for you, he'll end up just being your brother.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Scorpio Your hands will be covered in blood this Thursday, as will your clothes, and all of your walls. Then again, painting is always a little bit messy.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Sagittarius You will soon achieve a kind of immortality. Unfortunately for you, it's the kind that involves being hooked up to an emergency room respirator for the rest of eternity.