Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You'll experience newfound popularity after being remixed into an extended dance version by The Chemical Brothers.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A pall is cast over the next few weeks when the stars reveal that Hal Holbrook, your real father, has chosen you to carry on his legacy of one-man shows.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Strange impulses you can neither describe nor explain impel you to take your life savings, drive to Vegas, and put it all on red.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You experience a joyous reunion with long-lost friends this week when your local NBC affiliate begins airing Magnum, P.I. reruns.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars indicate that your new 225-function, 81-button, graphics-capable scientific calculator will help you obtain sex this week.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After an internal audit of Virgo's books, we have discovered that you owe back payments of $3,421.46. Unless we receive payment immediately, your luck will be canceled.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
A quick flip through your address book reveals that you have not called Heather in some time.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
After clearing the negative clutter and distracting reactive emotions from the storehouse of your mind’s inner eye, you discover that you are a gullible, superstitious New Ager.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You are making great strides in personal growth this week, thanks to the vacuum pump, special weight set and steroid pills you ordered from Club magazine.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You will be tried and found guilty of several dark and depraved crimes, thanks to your following the advice you received on the Psychotic Friends Hotline.
