Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your enjoyment of a Vancouver Canucks hockey game will be spoiled when the stadium organist tries to seduce you by repeatedly mentioning that he is the stadium organist.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your belief that "there's no room for second place" creates friction between you and your spouse when you are blessed with twins but disagree over which one to keep.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
After your parents die in an auto accident, insult will be added to injury when your spouse says they were better than you in bed.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your faith in a well-ordered universe is shattered when Jesus Christ comes down off the cross and beats you with a half-empty gin bottle, screaming that disco is not dead.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will be convinced that you are pregnant several times this week, but you only have to go number two.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your psyche suffers retroactive trauma this week when, after you break up with your scientist lover, he invents a time machine and travels back to the '70s to ruin your once-happy childhood.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Miscommunication between you and a rabbi will result in your being converted into pure atomic energy instead of Judaism.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your bungled suicide attempt goes unnoticed, and you will eventually starve to death while hanging by your wrists from the light fixture.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
February brings with it a need for inner cleansing. Use industrial-grade lye and a long-handled wire brush.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The splatter-porn film you starred in many years ago resurfaces, but don’t be embarrassed: Eight-year olds are allowed to make mistakes.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
That special someone who keeps promising to buy you sexy underwear finally does, but you are unable to persuade him to take it off his head.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Veteran actor Robert Culp appears to you in a dream and winks knowingly.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.