Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You're thankful that the firefighters saved your life, but you don't see why their report had to note that you were "sitting around the house!!!" when the fire started.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Buckle up: It's going to be one hell of a bumpy ride. The stars aren't speaking metaphorically here. Wear your seatbelt all week.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
We're each the star of our own personal saga, which in your case is actually more of a light-beer commercial.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You'll be a hero for the shortest interval in human history when you push an old lady out of the path of a careening bus and into that of a runaway locomotive.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The sad truth is that you only wear the ape suit to cover the burn scars that cover your twisted frame.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
If there's anything happening in your future next week, it doesn't seem important enough to write in the sky.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
In retrospect, you should have wondered why the creepy ventriloquist's dummy was always at the scene of the crime.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You'll achieve wealth and change your culture forever after coming up with a sitcom plot in which the evil twin is part of a set of triplets.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You've once again dodged the annoyance of jury duty, but good luck getting out of your obligation to act as judge and executioner.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You haven't carried out any of the reforms you promised you would, but you'll still be re-elected by a majority of your girlfriends.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll get an incredible sense of personal satisfaction from your new pet, which is why the shocked and disgusted Humane Society workers take it away.
