Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Get back at those ignorant, pro-science heathen who ridicule your Christian worldview. Refuse to eat anything made of their precious "molecules."
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Fame, fortune and heavy-metal prowess are yours this week when you find your soul has been switched with that of Black Sabbath bassist Geezer Butler.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A sort of happiness will be yours when, for the first time in your life, someone actually notices that you exist.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
This week's overhaul of OSHA regulations means a sharp rise in the quality of crap you have to put up with from now on.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You'll be faced with a financial crisis and cleaning problem when your crazy roommate attempts to saw herself in half.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
After hundreds of hours of tests, the editors of Car And Driver will announce that you are the worst-handling Virgo they've ever driven.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your spectacular canoeing death will owe much to the life's work of David Bushnell (1742-1824), inventor of the submersible anti-ship mine.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You may think you scored a victory at a recent land-use-committee meeting, but next week you will be painfully re-zoned for commercial use.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
There is no end in sight to the growing sense of horror and existential dread you have been experiencing since 1989.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Absolutely nothing will go right in your life this week. You must not let this bother you, however, because you are Marcus Aurelius, father of stoicism.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The Heavenly Host will appear to you in a vision this week, offering you drinks and snacks and telling you to sit anywhere you like.
