Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will be mortified beyond belief this week when you order the Cleveland Steamer in a seafood restaurant and discover it's a coprophiliac sex act.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You are labeled a menace to children this week when you invent a simple rubberband-powered pistol that fires crayons at 10,000 feet per second.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your children run away from home when they discover the dalmatian puppy you gave them for Christmas is actually a spotted opossum.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your birthday is ruined when you realize that you do not own even a single crotchless garment and have no idea how to operate a pair of scissors.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Professional recognition comes to Leo this week when you develop a post-it note that burns upon contact with human flesh.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your quest for peace and solitude is violently interrupted when Motor City Madman Ted Nugent decides to record his upcoming double live album in your bathroom.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The love of your life will leave you this week when you confuse John Candy and Chris Farley for the 200th time.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Hopes of fulfilling your most secret fantasy end when the man who offered to sell you naked photos of your mother turns out to be lying.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You inch closer to a state of universal love this week when you realize that you don't really mind Ryan.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your white lightnin'-fueled backwoods hoedown turns out to be a dismal failure when the only people who show up are Swiss.
