Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your pride in your new rubber bondage suit is stifled somewhat when you realize that it was meant for scuba diving only.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The fact that you are a small-town boy who was born and raised in South Detroit will be enough to keep America holding on to its dreams.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
The existential pain of modern life will pale in comparison to the pain of the 155mm cast-iron stovebolt the doctors want to put in your skull.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Though your pride in being chosen Employee of the Month is certainly justified, you should wait before introducing your new line of inspirational office posters.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your horrendous treatment by the otherwise professional staff of the local health clinic is Virgo's way of telling you to lay off the nurse-killing jokes.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though the stars warn of the appearance of a dark, mysterious stranger in your life, they do so for entertainment purposes only.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Earth and water magic are strong in Sagittarius this month. Spend most of your free time face-down in the mud.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your sympathetic anguish for starving children around the world will be temporarily eclipsed by the anguish of not getting tickets to an upcoming Phish concert.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You are overjoyed to discover that William S. Burroughs left you his voice in his will.
