Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your pride in your new rubber bondage suit is stifled somewhat when you realize that it was meant for scuba diving only.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The fact that you are a small-town boy who was born and raised in South Detroit will be enough to keep America holding on to its dreams.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
The existential pain of modern life will pale in comparison to the pain of the 155mm cast-iron stovebolt the doctors want to put in your skull.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Though your pride in being chosen Employee of the Month is certainly justified, you should wait before introducing your new line of inspirational office posters.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars indicate that love is in your future. They also indicate your latitude and longitude, if you have a sextant and a basic knowledge of geometry.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your horrendous treatment by the otherwise professional staff of the local health clinic is Virgo's way of telling you to lay off the nurse-killing jokes.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Though the stars warn of the appearance of a dark, mysterious stranger in your life, they do so for entertainment purposes only.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your mother thinks you are wonderful, unique and lovable. Push her down a flight of stairs.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Earth and water magic are strong in Sagittarius this month. Spend most of your free time face-down in the mud.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your sympathetic anguish for starving children around the world will be temporarily eclipsed by the anguish of not getting tickets to an upcoming Phish concert.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You are overjoyed to discover that William S. Burroughs left you his voice in his will.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will reach the high point of your life this week when your name is mentioned on NPR's Car Talk.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.