Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
After your fourth hospital stay in as many months, you begin to mistrust the other members of your aerobatic biplane squad.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
The whole world will hold its breath this week while you engage in a life-and-death struggle with heartburn.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will soon become the first person in history to be offered sex because of your political-cartooning skills.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
A humdrum week will be greatly enlivened when you discover fresh new ideas for home and office in the 64-page, full-color September Cancer catalog.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You enjoy a visit from a handsome Taurus this week, but ultimately discover that, to your shame, the conjugal-visit trailer was bugged.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
An embarrassing nickname comes back to haunt you this week, convincing you once and for all that you should never have strangled all those nurses.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The times call for rational, well-reasoned thinking. Under no circumstances allow your thinking to be clouded by superstition.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Scorpio is called the scorpion, but to be honest, you're really more of a potato beetle.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You enjoy true back-to-school learning fun this week at the hands of a well-trained, double-jointed Korean sex instructor.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You are genuinely surprised to learn that you are the only one who likes your rapacious, malodorous, ugly little pet ferret.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Bad weather, a balky stallion and 300 years of social progress conspire to ruin your fox hunt.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.