Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You don't ordinarily give money to panhandlers, but your heart will give in this week when a bum asks you for $3.75 to rent Tango And Cash.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Tattoos are for fainthearted poseurs: Sew an actual half-naked Polynesian dancing woman onto your left bicep.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will become sterile this week after wearing your favorite glow-in-the-dark watch on your genitals.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Admit the truth: Though your lover is a fast machine and keeps her motor clean, she is not the best damn woman you have ever seen.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The stars indicate that next week will be a blood-soaked disaster for you. Resolve to enjoy yourself regardless.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The presence of Uranus in your sign leads to the temptation of making many jokes. Do not give in.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your attempt to break your Ex-Lax addiction by eating chocolate ends in disappointment when it fails to produce explosive defecation.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The ghost of Bob Hope will appear to you in a dream and complain for hours about not being dead.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Heartbreak awaits when your 'love-seat' turns out to be only a short sofa.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your antlers will soon fall off, leaving you with nothing to attract the opposite sex.
