Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your quest for abs of steel ends tragically when you cut yourself in half with a welding torch.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your sex life takes a strange turn this week when you pick up a prostitute in Fargo, ND, and realize during a post-coital cigarette that she is your sister.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A court order and several dozen attack dobermans are not enough to prevent football legend Joe Namath from convincing you to give to the United Way.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
The tragic deaths of your father and mother in an auto accident bring you to the lowest point of your life until you find a dollar bill lying on the sidewalk.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You will be nominated for a Nobel Prize in the poultry sciences when years of experimentation finally prove your controversial "To Get To The Other Side" theory.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your get-rich-quick scheme fails when it becomes evident that there is no market for self-cleaning wicker toilet seats.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Your worldview is shaken this week when Anne Rice announces on national television that vampires are probably imaginary.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your weekly good deed of reading to the elderly begins to lose its luster. Try chaining them to locomotives instead.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your big night on the town comes to an abrupt end when you accidentally detonate your date's colostomy bag.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The discovery that three pieces are missing from your almost-complete 65,000-piece jigsaw puzzle will be enough to kill you.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your frequent sightings of the Toilet Duck net you a guest spot on Psi Factor with Dan Aykroyd.
