Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Take out a cosmic insurance policy: Give 10 percent of your money to the giant, all-powerful bearded man who lives above the sky.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Laughter will surround you this week, but it will mysteriously stop when you turn around to see what's so funny.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Saturn in your sign indicates that this is a great time to buy or lease a new Saturn. See your dealer for details.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Take the advice of bluegrass legend Bill Monroe: Kill your best girl down by the muddy banks of the old Ohio.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Add your personal stamp to the brand-new skyscraper in town by being the very first to leap off its roof to your death.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The stars indicate that you should go out and kill until the streets are choked with blood. But not yet! Not yet!
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Though you are a good person and a loving friend to all you know, you will still be sent to hell for your maddening lack of punctuality.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Spice up your daily life by conducting all conversations in a falsetto voice.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
A bizarre incident at an all-night diner results in your becoming the first martyr of the Right To Pie movement.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Six people will suffer laughter-induced cardiac arrest following your pro-abstinence speech.
