Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the mallet who kills people.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The pendulum of your love life slowly swings toward the good as you discover the great joys of auto-erotic hanging.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You're the rare person whose mom didn't throw out your comic books. They're now evidence in your kiddie-porn trial.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're in for real disappointment when you discover that blood is not the sweet wine of life, but is instead salty, coppery-tasting and sticky.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You should take some time to accept life's uncomfortable little truths. You've sired the brats of half the truckstop gals east of the Continental Divide.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Mars ascendant in your sign means that your cosmic third eye will soon open. If it doesn't, do it yourself by using an auger on your forehead.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You find out your roommate has an innocent crush on your boyfriend. Salt her tampons.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that McCormick's 80-proof vodka at $3.25 a pint is the soothing elixir you need for your delirium tremens.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Trouble is to be expected on the business front. Customer satisfaction with your gasoline-based Home Flammability Kit will soon plummet to 38 percent.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Venus descendant in your sign means you need to become closer to your loved ones. Try eating their nail clippings.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Travel is in your future. Pass an entire bicycle through your body, part by part, and then ride it across the nation.
