Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Avoid the trap of becoming known to your coworkers as the one who tattles to the boss. Instead, become known as the one with the mallet who kills people.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The pendulum of your love life slowly swings toward the good as you discover the great joys of auto-erotic hanging.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You're the rare person whose mom didn't throw out your comic books. They're now evidence in your kiddie-porn trial.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You're in for real disappointment when you discover that blood is not the sweet wine of life, but is instead salty, coppery-tasting and sticky.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
You should take some time to accept life's uncomfortable little truths. You've sired the brats of half the truckstop gals east of the Continental Divide.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Mars ascendant in your sign means that your cosmic third eye will soon open. If it doesn't, do it yourself by using an auger on your forehead.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You find out your roommate has an innocent crush on your boyfriend. Salt her tampons.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate that McCormick's 80-proof vodka at $3.25 a pint is the soothing elixir you need for your delirium tremens.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Trouble is to be expected on the business front. Customer satisfaction with your gasoline-based Home Flammability Kit will soon plummet to 38 percent.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Venus descendant in your sign means you need to become closer to your loved ones. Try eating their nail clippings.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Travel is in your future. Pass an entire bicycle through your body, part by part, and then ride it across the nation.
