Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The culmination of your life’s dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truckstops along I-90.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.
