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Past Horoscopes

March 9, 2010

Aries You will give birth to a beautiful, bouncing baby girl this week, moments after going into labor inside that giant inflatable castle.

March 2, 2010

Taurus Remember: God means something different to everyone, but only you, and those who agree with you, are right.

February 16, 2010

Gemini Your firstborn child will have your eyes, thanks to delivery complications and the organ-donor sticker on your driver's license.

February 9, 2010

Cancer The doctors will soon treat you for an acute case of tuberculosis, but don't be alarmed: They're mostly just bored.

February 2, 2010

Leo The stars don't think it would be fair to give you a new prediction until the one about finding happiness, love, or wealth comes true.

January 26, 2010

Virgo You'll find happiness at the end of the rainbow this week, though to be fair, it's the kind often found hanging outside of gay clubs.

January 19, 2010

Libra Next time, when passing a note intended to find out if someone likes you, you'll know to provide more than one box to check.

January 12, 2010

Scorpio Long, gray beards have for centuries been linked to wisdom and shrewdness. Sadly, you get yours caught in the fax machine far too often for that to be the case.

January 5, 2010

Sagittarius Nothing will be what it seems this week, especially breakfast sausages.

See All Horoscopes

August 21, 1996 | Issue 30•02

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

The stars indicate that it’s time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

The culmination of your life’s dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those “take-a-penny” trays at the truckstops along I-90.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.

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