Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars indicate that it's time to lose the love handles. Sew yourself into a bag with a dozen starving ferrets.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
If you are the type of person who faints at the sight of blood, you should plan to spend most of next week unconscious.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A crazy mix-up will result in you being fatally stabbed, as crooked New York cops mistake you for Serpico, the internal affairs informer.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Venus descendant in the sign Cancer means trouble in your love life. Your wife will soon discover three different-colored lipstick stains on your underpants.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Constantly rising pressure on both the business front and at home can be easily relieved by drilling massive holes in your skull.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The culmination of your life's dream is in sight as your trusty half-gallon of Dewar’s-brand Scotch nears emptiness.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Financial reward is most definitely in your future. Keep scooping out those "take-a-penny" trays at the truckstops along I-90.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Scorpio should be ever-vigilant during the waning of the September moon. If you sleep at all during the coming month, demons will grind your corpse.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Earth and Love magicks are strong in the sign of Sagittarius this month. You will be buried alive by your spouse.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Beware of circular cycles this fortnight. Launch a pre-emptive strike against every round thing in your community.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Friends and family members will continue to disregard your sage advice. It’s up to you to decide whether or not they still deserve to have ears.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Despite your frequent warnings, the nurse will continue to pooh-pooh your fear of linoleum.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.