Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
In memory of your beloved Aunt Ruth, open fire on innocent patrons of a fast-food restaurant.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your triumphant exit from the worst job you've ever had is spoiled when a wino drenches you in flammable vodka vomit and sets you on fire with a menthol cigarette.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Stephanie Zimbalist's popularity will reach an all-time high this week following her nationally televised pledge to skin you alive and nail your pelt to the barn.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You are a person of uncommon vision. No matter who attempts to dissuade you, hold fast to your belief that your genitals are cramped and need to roam free.
Leo July 23 - August 22
You will achieve the only orgasm of your life this week when an escaped convict runs to the Hallmark card store where you work and inserts a dozen Precious Moments figurines in your colon.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
The stars are peeved that you didn't renew your subscription to Sky and Telescope magazine, so expect a fat, painful cyst on your ass.
Libra September 23 - October 23
If the strain is getting to you, remember: Technical school isn't for everyone.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Poor quality control and lack of attention to detail force Consumer Reports to rate Scorpio 12th out of 12 star signs.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You will lose your life savings after investing heavily in a line of "Happy Epilepsy" greeting cards.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your tireless quest for better aerodynamics goes horribly awry when you sand three of your friends to death.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Explosive flatulence is not always a good way to break the ice on a first date.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Become a softer, gentler person. Stop filing your teeth to razor-sharp points.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.