Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Everyone who laughed at your bizarre phobia will feel remorse this week when supermidget Billy Barty breaks into your house, kicks you repeatedly in the groin and steals your good silver.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
A compromise will be necessary this week to reconcile your lifestyle with the world. Stop setting old ladies on fire.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You are unceremoniously fired when the world's ugliest pre-operative transvestites answer the personals ad you wrote for your boss.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your football-widow status becomes permanent when the Kansas City Chiefs break into your house and murder your husband.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children's lungs.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be sued for loss of livelihood when the riding mower you are operating goes out of control, tears through a circus freakshow tent, and separates the Siamese twins.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
