Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
The mystery of your parentage will be solved this week when General Motors recalls you and 20,000 of your brothers and sisters.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Everyone who laughed at your bizarre phobia will feel remorse this week when supermidget Billy Barty breaks into your house, kicks you repeatedly in the groin and steals your good silver.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
A compromise will be necessary this week to reconcile your lifestyle with the world. Stop setting old ladies on fire.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You become the butt of all the office jokes this week when you forget to compensate for windage during your presidential assassination attempt.
Leo July 23 - August 22
An impromptu survey of the NHL's 10 best goalies ranks you as the worst lay in all of the U.S. and Canada.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
You are unceremoniously fired when the world's ugliest pre-operative transvestites answer the personals ad you wrote for your boss.
Libra September 23 - October 23
The twin specters of confusion and bankruptcy haunt your life when Wilford Brimley confronts you with a prenuptial contract you do not remember signing.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your football-widow status becomes permanent when the Kansas City Chiefs break into your house and murder your husband.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You run afoul of the school board this week when you refuse to answer its questions about the space-heaters installed in your children's lungs.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be sued for loss of livelihood when the riding mower you are operating goes out of control, tears through a circus freakshow tent, and separates the Siamese twins.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Despite repeated sacrifices to Venus, no loss of virginity is scheduled for you this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will make the Guinness Book Of Records this week in the category of "Most Horribly Bungled Suicide Attempt."
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.