Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Although it's true that you have some rudimentary skillz, they are barely enough to pay your long-distance phone service and cable billz.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
The question of whether human consciousness can exist outside the body remains unanswered, but at least you and your trusty Thermos gave it a good try.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You'll be held accountable by the law for refusing to provide the information that someone was being held prisoner in a fortune-cookie factory.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Jesus will finally speak to you this week, but His message of love will contain such filthy language that your faith will be shaken forever.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Getting there is said to be half the fun, but those people aren't going where you're going.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You will not be able to sleep at night after finding out that the magnetic North Pole drifted almost 40 miles last year.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You are slowly making progress in the area of leaving quietly when people are done having sex with you.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Remember: It's better to be silent and be thought a fool than to speak and make people feel stupid about having you around at all.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Experience is a great teacher. This week, it will teach you your Miranda rights, the difference between a polecat and a skunk, and what a sucker punch is.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
There are some things in this universe that mankind was never meant to know. The boring details of your trip to South Dakota are among them.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
The concept of Cartesian duality may have fallen largely out of favor, but you still believe that you're either from Texas or you ain't shit.
