Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
It’s been a rough week for everyone at your workplace. Try to lighten everyone’s burden a little with a friendly exchange of hostages.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will become the focus of national loathing this week when famed and beloved “Little Person” Billy Barty is killed by your brand new 20-foot-high electric fence.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Your lifelong battle with genital odor will be won this week, thanks to the twin miracles of wire brushes and lye.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Venus ascendant in your sign means increased romantic opportunity. You will once more be hit by a bus attempting to screw anything that moves.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A show of humility is in order after it is demonstrated that you cannot, in fact, stop a rapidly spinning drill bit with your lips.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
An awkward social situation arises when Bob Hope’s ghost materializes at your wedding and protests drunkenly that he is not, in fact, dead.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Trouble with authority figures is possible for Libra in early September. Don’t try to tell the judge any “Old switcheroo” style jokes about your drunken low rider/high chair incident.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your religious faith is shaken to its foundations when a new translation of the Bible asks you to Praise The Lard.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The first of the month can mean but one thing for the Sagittarius. It is time once more to double your intake of prescription medicine.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The entire Southern region of the United States will fall in love with you overnight as you accidentally win three straight stock car races.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Jupiter in your sign means obstacles ahead. Continue wearing your crash helmet to bed.
