Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of the tarpon.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
There will be no hiding your shame when a publicity stunt you engineered for a nationwide chain of sausage shops goes horribly awry, impregnating dozens of spokesmodels.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Nothing on Earth or in Heaven will be able to stop the nigh-unlimited seducing power of Gemini's five-gallon bottle of Drakkar Noir cologne.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Fire and Air magic are now strong in Leo. Perhaps your decision to "get back on that horse" is inappropriate for a jet pilot.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Former roadblocks to romance will crumble and fall before you this month when you discover the erotic potential of intravenous racehorse amphetamines.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be unable to shake the strange feeling that your employer's still-beating heart might be absolutely delicious if eaten under a full moon.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This week's events will ultimately make you a top expert in the competitive genital-branding field.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The waning summer will take with it the last sour dregs of your youth. Celebrate by meeting your mom for lunch and kicking her ass.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Mercury ascendant in your sign means business troubles ahead. You should have had Jake the Snake killed before he turned State's witness.
