Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
A freak explosion aboard a Florida fishing boat leaves you with the proportional strength and speed of the tarpon.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
There will be no hiding your shame when a publicity stunt you engineered for a nationwide chain of sausage shops goes horribly awry, impregnating dozens of spokesmodels.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Nothing on Earth or in Heaven will be able to stop the nigh-unlimited seducing power of Gemini's five-gallon bottle of Drakkar Noir cologne.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Your seventh straight year of office football pool domination will be tarnished when your colleagues discover that NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue has become your psychic friend.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Fire and Air magic are now strong in Leo. Perhaps your decision to "get back on that horse" is inappropriate for a jet pilot.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Former roadblocks to romance will crumble and fall before you this month when you discover the erotic potential of intravenous racehorse amphetamines.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will be unable to shake the strange feeling that your employer's still-beating heart might be absolutely delicious if eaten under a full moon.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This week's events will ultimately make you a top expert in the competitive genital-branding field.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
The waning summer will take with it the last sour dregs of your youth. Celebrate by meeting your mom for lunch and kicking her ass.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
The novels of Jack London inspire you to move to Alaska, tie yourself to a sled, and demand a whipping.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Mercury ascendant in your sign means business troubles ahead. You should have had Jake the Snake killed before he turned State's witness.
