Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Awkwardness ensues at a family reunion when your Uncle Gene and Cousin Willie invite you to coat yourself in lard and come out behind the barn for some "special 'rasslin."
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Your attempt to sleep with the boss' spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting co-workers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
A mutant virus that kills dynamite lovers will sweep the world next week, killing 99 percent of the Earth's population but sparing you.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You go down in history as the world's lousiest criminal when you attempt to escape from police into the pages of a great romance novel.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation's medical textbooks.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
A torch-bearing mob drives you from your village after you correctly pick all 15 games in this week's football pool.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Embarrassment results when, at the last minute, you discover the impossibility of self-crucifixion.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Due to scheduling conflicts, Aquarius will have no future this week.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Halfway through telling a ribald joke, you suddenly realize that your audience consists of a rabbi, a black, a Polack and three guys from Minnesota.
Past Horoscopes
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Aries There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Taurus The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Gemini While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Leo The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Virgo You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Scorpio Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Sagittarius They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.