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Past Horoscopes

March 16, 2010

Aries There truly is more than one way to skin a cat, but the limited market for cat skins makes learning more than three methods impractical.

March 9, 2010

Taurus Fear and Jealousy will soon tear you apart, which is rather unfortunate, as Fear and Jealousy are the two pitbulls that live next door.

March 2, 2010

Gemini The presence of Saturn in your sign this week indicates strength, determination, and you getting repeatedly struck by a Model SL1 Series.

February 16, 2010

Cancer Attempts to run away from the problem will fail this week when the problem turns out to be a short-circuited treadmill.

February 9, 2010

Leo Yes, love is a total mystery. Those semen stains, though, are probably a clue.

February 2, 2010

Virgo Your new pheromone-based cologne will make you irresistible to women, who will devour you, bones, hair, and all.

January 26, 2010

Libra The red-tailed hawk is known for its hooked bill, its sharp claws, and after this Thursday, its rather keen sense of revenge.

January 19, 2010

Scorpio The story of the universe has always fascinated you, but the ending will leave you with a lot of unanswered questions.

January 12, 2010

Sagittarius When it comes to race relations, you're colorblind. Also when it comes to sofas, desk chairs, and traffic lights.

See All Horoscopes

November 19, 1996 | Issue 30•15

 

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

Embarrassment will be your lot this week when, on your way to the patent office, you learn that someone has already invented a "crotch-less" panty.

 

Taurus Apr 20 - May 20

Your dream of hosting the greatest party of all time is shattered when the hired fire-eaters accidentally ignite special guest Jello Biafra.

 

Gemini May 21 - Jun 21

Awkwardness ensues at a family reunion when your Uncle Gene and Cousin Willie invite you to coat yourself in lard and come out behind the barn for some "special 'rasslin."

 

Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22

Your attempt to sleep with the boss' spouse fails when you wake them both up while climbing into their bed.

 

Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22

Avoid confrontation this week. Chain dissenting co-workers to a fencepost in the middle of the Gobi Desert.

 

Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22

A mutant virus that kills dynamite lovers will sweep the world next week, killing 99 percent of the Earth's population but sparing you.

 

Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23

You go down in history as the world's lousiest criminal when you attempt to escape from police into the pages of a great romance novel.

 

Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21

A strange incident involving you, a parking meter, a banjo and a pratfalling Sherpa guide will result in your being featured as a special case in the nation's medical textbooks.

 

Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21

A torch-bearing mob drives you from your village after you correctly pick all 15 games in this week's football pool.

 

Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19

Embarrassment results when, at the last minute, you discover the impossibility of self-crucifixion.

 

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18

Due to scheduling conflicts, Aquarius will have no future this week.

 

Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20

Halfway through telling a ribald joke, you suddenly realize that your audience consists of a rabbi, a black, a Polack and three guys from Minnesota.

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