Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
