Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your ideas about the afterlife are proven wrong when you are killed in a bus crash and spend eternity reliving Truck Month at your local Ford dealer.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Your worth is finally proven when firefighters burst into your blazing apartment and save your puffy-sticker collection, leaving you to die.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Do not let yourself become known in your community as the one who dresses up in a monkey suit and climbs the water tower.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Cure your chronic womanizing by retiring to the kitchen to practice Osterizing.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A trip to the Orient gets off to a bad start when you discover that 'Sucky, fucky, one-two-three" is not Japanese for "More sake, please."
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Become a better parent. Purchase a coffee mug emblazoned with the phrase, "World's Greatest Parent."
Libra September 23 - October 23
You will achieve your lifelong dream of being fondled by a blind man when you burn William Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury into your skin in braille.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You will be denied auto insurance due to a seventh major moving violation this week. Become a spaceship pilot.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Months of pain and suffering will be your lot after you cast aspersions on Hank Williams Jr.'s ancestry in a Louisiana honky-tonk.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Many of your problems indicate that you need to become more firmly grounded. Ask a friend to nail you to the floor.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
All your troubles come to a end when you discover that Gordon's gin is an adequate replacement for love.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will be the envy of all your friends this week when Parent magazine names you one of America's 10 best cities in which to raise children.
Past Horoscopes
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Aries They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Taurus Turns out it's not the ability to reason that separates us from the animals, but rather a very thin, very flimsy wire fence.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Gemini Regret will be yours this week when you're forced to choose between a slice of cherry pie and everlasting life.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Cancer You'll rue the day all that delicious ice cream was delivered to your home, proving once and for all that you don't know what "rue" means.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Leo Surprises await Leo around every corner, down several long stretches of highway, and over one rather bumpy off-ramp this week.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Virgo Dogs and their owners will often begin to look alike after years of living together, though it's hard to tell with your face inside that bowl half the time.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Libra Though last Tuesday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Scorpio Sometimes the truth can be difficult to hear. Thankfully, a battery-operated megaphone will make your past failures crystal clear.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Sagittarius Lately it feels like you're living a lie, which would explain the part about winning the pie-eating contest, swimming in shark infested waters, and having sex with women.