Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your financial outlook isn't a pretty picture, but it does have a certain dark, Brueghelian magnificence.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Your new diet will cause you to become so skinny that, when sitting around the house, you will do so on a single, easily determined side of the house.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Although it was fun to hear your name on television, you still don't think the president should use the State Of The Union address to put prices on citizens' heads.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Learning to accept change is a sign of maturity. Enjoy spending your golden years begging for it on the corner.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
If you learn one thing this week, let it be this: What matters isn't whether you're innocent or guilty, but what you wear to the trial.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Luckily, the trend of closed-casket funerals has allowed you to take certain aesthetic shortcuts in your work.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You're really getting tired of big business screwing over the little guy in the subplots of all those TV movies.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You won't so much haunt the world after your death as become the spiritual equivalent of that guy who kept coming back to visit high school after graduation.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your fake-sounding French accent is even more heinous considering that you grew up in the countryside around Toulon.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You always seem to improve the performances of those around you, usually by slipping them amphetamines while they're not looking.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Although your cancer, if treated early, has a 96 percent recovery rate, doctors are strangely reluctant to treat you.
