Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.
