Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Be prepared for financial gain when every member of your armored car robbery team is nerve-gassed— except you!
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A delicious cream-filled pastry from one of the city's finest bakeries will do nothing to sate your unholy craving for cock.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
Alternative rockers Pearl Jam are abandoned on your doorstep by their mother. Do not under any circumstances allow them inside your home.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
All the mayflies, caddisflies and mealworms you could ever desire will be yours if you play your bait shop cards right this week.
Leo July 23 - August 22
A helpful household hint you provide a neighbor will result in her horrible death by cleansing.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Saturn ascendant in your sign is an omen of profound religious plight. Steer clear of Saturn dealers this week.
Libra September 23 - October 23
Profit and satisfaction can be gained this week by feigning a grand "mall" seizure at the Mall of America.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
New mindscapes open before you when your cat's ear mites bore their way into your brain's temporal lobe.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Your shock will be mixed with a sense of indignation and embarrassment when a gritty band of cattle rustlers steals your spouse.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Everyone will laugh at the come-uppance you receive when Joan Jett storms into your house, breaks every bone in your body, and steals your girlfriend.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Obviously, the only solution to your problems is suicide. Ingest an entire bottle of child-strength pain reliever and run yourself through an electric pencil sharpener feet first.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You will become the darling of the fall fashion season when haute couture designers Ralph Lauren, Bill Blass and Calvin Klein dress you at gunpoint.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.