Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
God Himself will be powerless to save you from the seductive wiles of Chrysler Corporation Executive Chairman Bob Lutz.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Fire magics are strong in Taurus this week. Carry a steel dog tag in one shoe to help rescue workers identify your charred and blasted corpse.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Childhood fears rear their ugly head once more this week when a mistakenly swallowed seed results in a 12-pound watermelon growing out of your rectum.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Strong Earth magic in the Crab indicates success waiting for you in the challenging, fast-paced world of professional grave robbery.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
It's time to let bygones be bygones. Release Angela Lansbury from the basement after one last beating.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The shock of Rick Dees untimely death is softened somewhat when his will names you as the new Arbiter of Cool.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You hardly even matter any more. Libra will be soon be cancelled without further notice.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The appearance of an adorable stray kitten means great Thai food for you and a mysterious stranger.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Shame will dog your heels this week when a musical based on your life is banned in New York, but earns rave reviews in the ultra-conservative, Bible-thumping Deep South.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Nobody is surprised at your cowardice when you hide in the basement after being challenged to a duel to the death by sultry songstress Eartha Kitt.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your value rises when the president develops an urge to drink sacramental wine from your skull and places a million-dollar bounty on your head.
