Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you will know that it is in truth a solar panel for a sex machine.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when you discover that marriage is not a word—it's a sentence.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will soon realize your forbidden fantasy of having two men—one cooking and one cleaning.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Gender issues at the office force you to face the fact that when God created Man, she was only kidding.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Saturn and Venus align in Virgo this week, so if it has tits or wheels it'll give you trouble.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the balls are lighter.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Mars descendant in Scorpio indicates that you would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Tragedy strikes this week, when you are informed by doctors that you suffer from CRS Disease—Can't Remember Shit.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
A shift in the power structure at work leaves you with a dilemma: Do you want to speak to the man in charge— or the woman who knows what's going on?
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A milestone looms before you on your life’s road. Reassure yourself by considering that "forty" is not "the F-word."
