Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Your continuing hair loss leaves you with what some may call a bald spot. Only you will know that it is in truth a solar panel for a sex machine.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Trouble continues on the romantic front this week when you discover that marriage is not a word—it's a sentence.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
With winter on its way, keep in mind that sex is like snow—you never know how long it will last or how many inches you will get.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You will soon realize your forbidden fantasy of having two men—one cooking and one cleaning.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Gender issues at the office force you to face the fact that when God created Man, she was only kidding.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Saturn and Venus align in Virgo this week, so if it has tits or wheels it'll give you trouble.
Libra September 23 - October 23
An unexpected accident will cause you to give up bowling for sex, which is fortunate because you won’t have to wear special shoes and the balls are lighter.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Mars descendant in Scorpio indicates that you would rather push a Ford than drive a Chevy.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Tragedy strikes this week, when you are informed by doctors that you suffer from CRS Disease—Can't Remember Shit.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A shift in the power structure at work leaves you with a dilemma: Do you want to speak to the man in charge— or the woman who knows what's going on?
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A milestone looms before you on your life’s road. Reassure yourself by considering that "forty" is not "the F-word."
Pisces February 19 - March 20
A conflict between responsibility and self-indulgence is resolved when you remember that you can always retake a class, but you can never relive a party.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.