Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Your encyclopedic knowledge of all the latest Kevorkian jokes inexplicably fails to bring you love this week.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A sudden sneeze while holding the forceps during your girlfriend's nipple-piercing will do wonders for her archery career.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
If you are truly making an effort to be more thoughtful, remember that killing yourself will save your family a lot of money, effort and drawn-out legal hassles.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You will be found guilty in the murder of Pliny the Elder—despite the fact that he died 3,000 years before your alleged bath-house tryst.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Your fussy appetite, lack of table manners and chronic belching will result in a lifetime banishment from all Sizzler steakhouses.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Explore new frontiers of togetherness with your loved ones. Invite them to share a bout of dropsy with you.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
A mistake in your will results in the words "Please Take One" being chiseled into your tombstone.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your congregation will hold you up as an object of shame and ridicule when Amy Grant calls you a blaspheming sinner during the live telecast of the 1996 Dove Awards.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Politicians, cartographers and your town's Better Business Bureau will unite in their refusal to refer to your house as the Land Of Much Ass.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your refusal to Super-Size your meal for only 39 cents will ultimately result in your starvation.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A genie will grant you a million dollars if you go an entire week without thinking of the word "hoopty."
