Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will never acheive your full potential as a person unless you can win your life’s most personal battles. Declare war on polyester/cotton blends.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
A period of ill health looms before you when the other members of your heavy metal band strap you to a chair and force seven pounds of uncooked sausage meat down your self-righteous vegetarian throat.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will go down in history as the first practitioner of inspirational pamphlet-assisted suicide.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
When 14 bodies are discovered in your basement, your usual alibi of "The dog did it" is of absolutely no help—even though it's actually true this time.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
A sudden slave rebellion will take you by surprise, leaving you with the feeling that, had you been aware that you owned slaves, you could have nearly doubled your productivity.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
You are in for the fight of your life this week when Diana Rigg overhears your catty remarks about the cut of her evening gown.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your vanity and love of the spotlight override your common sense when you attend the 1997 Grammy Awards in a dress made of human skin.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
An error in translation while travelling results in a surprise sexual escapade with a camel.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Do not hide your light under a bushel. Douse yourself with kerosene and set yourself on fire.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Your community decides to honor your contributions to society by making you part of the new blacktop in the school parking lot.
