Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the couch, I'm gonna kill the thing with my bare hands!
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
That dog is so stupid, I swear it's gotta be the stupidest animal I've ever known.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Will you please shut that damn dog up? That damn mangy thing is driving me batty. Enough with the barking already!
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
I'll kick you outta this damn house with the dog! How would you like that, you miserable little snot-nosed punk?
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Don't tell me that I scared the goddamn dog. I'm not going to let some goddamn dog tell me how to run my life!
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
I'll kill that dog, it's got me so upset. I don't think I've ever been so damn mad as I am right now at that stupid dog.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Knock over my ficus plant, will you, dog? Get that damn dog outta my house!
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
I'm asking you, who wanted the damn dog in the first place? It wasn't me! I hate you and that stinking dog!
