Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
I gotta tell you, if that damn mutt takes another leak on the couch, I'm gonna kill the thing with my bare hands!
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
That dog is so stupid, I swear it's gotta be the stupidest animal I've ever known.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
Will you please shut that damn dog up? That damn mangy thing is driving me batty. Enough with the barking already!
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
I'll kick you outta this damn house with the dog! How would you like that, you miserable little snot-nosed punk?
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Don't tell me that I scared the goddamn dog. I'm not going to let some goddamn dog tell me how to run my life!
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
I'll kill that dog, it's got me so upset. I don't think I've ever been so damn mad as I am right now at that stupid dog.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Knock over my ficus plant, will you, dog? Get that damn dog outta my house!
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
I'm asking you, who wanted the damn dog in the first place? It wasn't me! I hate you and that stinking dog!
