Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Mercury descendant in the Ram this week means Aries will soon get the blues. Be sure to get them from your head to the bottoms of your travelling shoes.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
A fifth of Scotch will not prove to be an acceptable solution to your problems. Try another fifth of Scotch.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You discover that your best friend is a man trapped in a woman's body. You owe it to her to grab a paring knife and start carving until you get that man out.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
The harvest moon in Cancer means change for your sign. You will die late Wednesday afternoon.
Leo July 23 - August 22
An innocent prank at the laboratory where you work will result in the world's population being cut by a third.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Love will enter your life this week, but will ultimately fail to take the place of hatred.
Libra September 23 - October 23
An ordinary can opener and a three-foot plank are the basic ingredients for your home piercing business.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your favorite snack contains only two parts per million of radioactive materials. Eat a quarter of a million of them.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Assuming a can-do attitude this week and taking charge of your life will make you the hit of death row.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
An unexpected turn in your life's road leaves you with the responsibility of caring for several small children. Teach them to play the educational party game "Does It Burn?"
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Annoyance is added to insult this week when veteran actor Gene Hackman wakes you out of a sound sleep to tell you he disapproves of the way you've been living lately.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
You need just one more pathetic gesture to make your life the worst ever lived by a sane human being. Buy an expensive, hour-long recording of engine sounds and listen to it over and over late at night.
Article Tools
Past Horoscopes
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Aries The stars hate to be the bearer of bad news, which is why they've decided to wait for the telegram, the somber representative, and the lifetime supply of Jiffy Pop to arrive instead.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Taurus What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
April 22, 2008
Issue 44•17
Gemini Advances in nanotechnology will soon make it possible for man to travel inside the human body. Until then, however, it's just you and your pinky finger.
April 15, 2008
Issue 44•16
Cancer It's not so much your drinking that will drive loved ones away, but your tendency to operate chainsaws, nail-guns and other industrial power tools while intoxicated.
April 8, 2008
Issue 44•15
Leo The stars foresee church bells in your future, though they'll have less to do with an upcoming wedding, and more to do with you being a hunchbacked monster.
April 1, 2008
Issue 44•14
Virgo People claim that age is nothing more than a state of mind, making this week's stroke revealing on a couple of different levels.
March 25, 2008
Issue 44•13
Libra You've always believed yourself to be filled with self-hatred, but as it turns out you're actually filled with half self-hatred, half triple-fudge ice cream.
March 18, 2008
Issue 44•12
Scorpio While you've always worried about the voices inside your head, it's listening to those outside of it that will get you in trouble this week.
March 11, 2008
Issue 44•11
Sagittarius The "smoking monkey" gag is a comedy classic, but that was before he started trying to bum cigarettes from you.