Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Trouble looms on the romantic front when your girlfriend returns from a hard day of doughnut baking to discover you getting to third base with your pet bluegill.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You will be beaten to death in public for mocking the big band-era recordings of Frank Sinatra.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Shortly after your impending death, many surprising truths of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It's not too late to begin praying to the postman.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Buying your spouse that big flashlight may have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you've ever done or gum your food for the rest of your life.
Libra September 23 - October 23
When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your name will be mentioned over 40 times in the president's proposal for a new, nationwide "shitass tax."
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Years of bad blood between you and the colonel finally boil over, resulting in the bloodiest moonshine war your part of the suburbs has ever seen.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will cry because you have no shoes until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your fairy godmother will finally hear your pleas for help. However, her only response will be to appear in the corner, sharpen her magical melon baller, and squint ominously.
Past Horoscopes
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Aries There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Taurus The mere mention of your name strikes fear and terror in the hearts of men, though that's mainly because it's so difficult to pronounce.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Gemini While it's often understood that racism, by nature, is borne of ignorance, your claim that the Irish control the media will still seem particularly uneducated this week.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Cancer The streets will run red with the blood of the innocent and the pure this week—so relax, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Leo The little black dress is an instant sophisticator—slimming, elegant, and timeless—but you'd be better off going with something flame-resistant this weekend.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Virgo You're about to embark on an incredible life-changing experience—one involving the collapsing of your lungs, the expansion of your heart, and the rapid evacuation of your bowels.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Libra A healthy relationship is all about compromise, or at least that's what you'll agree to in order to get your partner off your back.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Scorpio Remember: Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach just keep repeating the same tired maxim over and over again.
April 29, 2008
Issue 44•18
Sagittarius They say you have the grace of a dancer and the agility of a world-class gymnast. After that, though, it's usually just a bunch of mean-spirited laughter.