Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Aries: On first dates, remember that just derailing the Amtrak isn't enough. It's how you derail the train that counts.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Trouble looms on the romantic front when your girlfriend returns from a hard day of doughnut baking to discover you getting to third base with your pet bluegill.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You will be beaten to death in public for mocking the big band-era recordings of Frank Sinatra.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Unspeakable tragedies will strike Cancer this week, but the look on your face will be just priceless.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Shortly after your impending death, many surprising truths of the afterlife will be revealed to you. It's not too late to begin praying to the postman.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Buying your spouse that big flashlight may have been a mistake. Now you must apologize for everything you've ever done or gum your food for the rest of your life.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
When the revolution comes, Libra will be the first star sign lined up against the wall and shot.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your name will be mentioned over 40 times in the president's proposal for a new, nationwide "shitass tax."
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Years of bad blood between you and the colonel finally boil over, resulting in the bloodiest moonshine war your part of the suburbs has ever seen.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will cry because you have no shoes until you meet a man who has no feet. Then you will laugh your ass off.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
A visit to a lightbulb plant leads to adventure. Stock up on tweezers, needle-nose pliers, and other implements that may useful in removing glass shards from your skin.
