Past Horoscopes
November 3, 2009
Aries Your body will soon go through a series of new and exciting changes, thanks in large part to the amazing reconstructive work of Dr. Howard Rosenthall.
October 27, 2009
Taurus The rise of Jupiter in your sign indicates that Jesus Christ, come on now, get your goddamn finances in order already.
October 20, 2009
Gemini You're prepared to go to any length to get your wife back, which is funny, as finding what remains of her will actually require you to go to any depth.
October 13, 2009
Cancer Newton's laws say that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, proving he knew nothing about women.
October 6, 2009
Leo You may think your peers have lost all respect for you, but fear not: It's impossible to lose something you never really had.
September 22, 2009
Virgo You'll fail to pull yourself up by your bootstraps this week when your boots become tangled in the traffic helicopter's landing skids.
September 15, 2009
Libra The stars hereby grant you the secret of lighter, fluffier pancakes: Use sour cream instead of milk.
September 8, 2009
Scorpio You've managed to overcome a lot in order to become senior marketing manager, primarily your hopes, aspirations and dreams.
September 1, 2009
Sagittarius A crazy person will try to convince you that the stars are vast, distant balls of gaseous matter. Ignore him.
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've never believed in running away from love, but then again, you've never been on the business end of a coked-up rhinoceros' ardor before.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It won't come as much of a shock to you, but according to your spouse and children, your replacement is doing one heck of a good job.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You might not like it, but even you have to admit that your foibles and predilections are accurately captured in the popular new parody version of you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Once again, you've been nominated for an award in the prestigious "Most Engulfed In Flames" category.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's time to exploit your connections in order to get a better job. Start cozying up to the guy who handles the local classified ads section.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've decided to take it as a compliment that all your lovers describe you as a wizard in the bathroom.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your life story will be a testimony to the healing power of love for nachos.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll realize that you're not like the others when a visit to a historic Civil War battlefield forever changes the way you feel about custom kitchen cabinetry.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be hunted to the ends of the earth by torch-wielding opera traditionalists after enraptured reviewers refer to you as the "long-sought Fourth Tenor."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're getting closer to the secret of happiness all the time, but before this makes you too happy, you should hear the story of Achilles and the tortoise.
