Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You've never believed in running away from love, but then again, you've never been on the business end of a coked-up rhinoceros' ardor before.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
It won't come as much of a shock to you, but according to your spouse and children, your replacement is doing one heck of a good job.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You might not like it, but even you have to admit that your foibles and predilections are accurately captured in the popular new parody version of you.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Once again, you've been nominated for an award in the prestigious "Most Engulfed In Flames" category.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
It's time to exploit your connections in order to get a better job. Start cozying up to the guy who handles the local classified ads section.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You've decided to take it as a compliment that all your lovers describe you as a wizard in the bathroom.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
Your life story will be a testimony to the healing power of love for nachos.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You'll realize that you're not like the others when a visit to a historic Civil War battlefield forever changes the way you feel about custom kitchen cabinetry.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You will be hunted to the ends of the earth by torch-wielding opera traditionalists after enraptured reviewers refer to you as the "long-sought Fourth Tenor."
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're getting closer to the secret of happiness all the time, but before this makes you too happy, you should hear the story of Achilles and the tortoise.
