Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
Religious leaders from around the world will agree that God seems to be reacting to your criticism rather harshly.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You've never believed in running away from love, but then again, you've never been on the business end of a coked-up rhinoceros' ardor before.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
It won't come as much of a shock to you, but according to your spouse and children, your replacement is doing one heck of a good job.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You might not like it, but even you have to admit that your foibles and predilections are accurately captured in the popular new parody version of you.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Once again, you've been nominated for an award in the prestigious "Most Engulfed In Flames" category.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
It's time to exploit your connections in order to get a better job. Start cozying up to the guy who handles the local classified ads section.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You've decided to take it as a compliment that all your lovers describe you as a wizard in the bathroom.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Your life story will be a testimony to the healing power of love for nachos.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You'll realize that you're not like the others when a visit to a historic Civil War battlefield forever changes the way you feel about custom kitchen cabinetry.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You will be hunted to the ends of the earth by torch-wielding opera traditionalists after enraptured reviewers refer to you as the "long-sought Fourth Tenor."
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
You're getting closer to the secret of happiness all the time, but before this makes you too happy, you should hear the story of Achilles and the tortoise.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
By the time you get what you want, you've changed so much that you don't want it anymore, which sends the waitress into a rage.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.