Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
God will offer a heartfelt apology to the human race for His insensitivity after creating you, an obvious human-racial caricature.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
Everybody starts his or her life as a tiny blastula. Thanks to a pair of mad scientists and their temporal-reversal ray, you'll be the first person to end life as one, too.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You're starting to suspect that the story of how Mommy and Daddy met actually involved fewer rainbows and unicorns and more booze and Camaros.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Everyone worries about what Fate has in store for them, but don't fret. You won't feel a thing.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
Tom Jones is a born showman and a true professional. He's not going to stop his whole show, even if he does see you in the audience.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your spouse is finally getting tired of your shit. Find some other way to spice things up in the bedroom.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
After a lifetime of trying to be quixotic, you've only achieved a vague sort of windmill-otic quality.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
This week marks a personal transformation when you're doused in kerosene, set ablaze, and somehow transformed into a beacon of hope and love.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
With railroads continuing their decades-long slide into obsolescence, one would think you'd be responsible for fewer locomotive crashes.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You have no concept of time, accountability, or common courtesy, which is only forgivable because you're a pretty house cat.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
Well, let that be a lesson to you about going around throwing out bathwater without checking its contents first.
