Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
God will offer a heartfelt apology to the human race for His insensitivity after creating you, an obvious human-racial caricature.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
Everybody starts his or her life as a tiny blastula. Thanks to a pair of mad scientists and their temporal-reversal ray, you'll be the first person to end life as one, too.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You're starting to suspect that the story of how Mommy and Daddy met actually involved fewer rainbows and unicorns and more booze and Camaros.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Everyone worries about what Fate has in store for them, but don't fret. You won't feel a thing.
Leo July 23 - August 22
Tom Jones is a born showman and a true professional. He's not going to stop his whole show, even if he does see you in the audience.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your spouse is finally getting tired of your shit. Find some other way to spice things up in the bedroom.
Libra September 23 - October 23
After a lifetime of trying to be quixotic, you've only achieved a vague sort of windmill-otic quality.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
This week marks a personal transformation when you're doused in kerosene, set ablaze, and somehow transformed into a beacon of hope and love.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
With railroads continuing their decades-long slide into obsolescence, one would think you'd be responsible for fewer locomotive crashes.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You have no concept of time, accountability, or common courtesy, which is only forgivable because you're a pretty house cat.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Well, let that be a lesson to you about going around throwing out bathwater without checking its contents first.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Replacing you with a machine would have been overkill. Your functions are being handled by a hideous piece of public art.
Past Horoscopes
September 30, 2008
Issue 44•40
Aries Your life has always resembled something out of a movie, which explains the scrolling end credits this week.
September 23, 2008
Issue 44•39
Taurus Will you finally get that big job promotion? Is whirlwind romance in the cards for you? Tune in to Taurus next week for all the answers and more!
September 16, 2008
Issue 44•38
Gemini If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.
September 9, 2008
Issue 44•37
Cancer Your lucky numbers for this week are: 812, √3/14, 0.0000085, and π.
September 2, 2008
Issue 44•36
Leo Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
August 26, 2008
Issue 44•35
Virgo The stars indicate that they have your new astrological prediction right here. Yeah, come and get it, hot stuff.
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Libra Remember: When people say that children are our future, they're talking about much healthier infants than yours.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Scorpio Onlookers will be moved by your quiet dignity, inner strength, and unflinching resolve. Then, your pants will fall down.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Sagittarius Fire and water magicks are strong in your sign this week, though unfortunately for you, not at the same time.