Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.
