Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You have greatly angered the God Of Floral Wallcoverings, but it's unclear whether this will affect you in any way.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
No one can deny your sassitude, but unfortunately, any advantage it carries is almost entirely cancelled out by your pet's cattitude.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
With luck, you might have a good 40 years with that special someone, provided he exists, and you find him really soon.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
Not only does time spent watching crappy television count against your time left on earth, it counts double. Don't watch any long miniseries.
Leo July 23 - August 22
There are things you'll carry with you all the days of your life. An 80-pound bag of water-softener salt is one of them.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your search for deep meaning in a trite and mundane workaday world continues. Meanwhile, 3,000 people worldwide die of malaria every day, you simp.
Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll complain to the cashier and have your cold fries replaced this week. Years later, you'll look back to this event as proof that you were beyond salvation.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
The aliens will happen upon our planet's electromagnetic transmissions just in time to catch your first-round exit from Jeopardy!
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You're proud that you've matured with your sense of childlike wonder intact, but others are tired of hearing you yell "Fire truck! Fire truck!" whenever one goes by.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You can lie to yourself all you want about your petty little life, an ability that is actually pretty valuable.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There are people who spend their entire lives trying to make human contact somehow. You should teach them your trick with the bat.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Years from now, you still won't be able to figure out why the love of your life left you for a nicer, smarter, better-looking person.
Past Horoscopes
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Aries You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Taurus The answer you've been searching for lies right in front of your face, though it's difficult to make out with all that cheesecake in the way.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Gemini The stars foresee a great number of failures, setbacks and letdowns in your future, but then pretty much anyone could have told you that.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Cancer Your tendency to see the worst in every situation will rob you of any pleasure you might have otherwise derived from next Thursday's biological outbreak.
June 3, 2008
Issue 44•23
Leo The moon in your sign indicates financial success in the coming days. The moon in your rear-view mirror, however, indicates those damn teens are at it again.
May 27, 2008
Issue 44•22
Virgo After six weeks, you still haven't figured out how Jonah got so much done inside one of these things.
May 20, 2008
Issue 44•21
Libra A man's home is his castle. This week prepare to have your castle stormed by a marauding horde of phone bills.
May 13, 2008
Issue 44•20
Scorpio Your amusing hospital jig will make all the patients smile, but that's only because they'll realize that dying of cancer isn't the most dehumanizing thing on earth.
May 6, 2008
Issue 44•19
Sagittarius City officials will name a public holiday in your honor this week, making May 9th forever Aw, Who The Hell Cares Who We Give These Things Out To Anymore Day.