Past Horoscopes
November 17, 2009
Aries Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever you're doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it's two steps back. Yeah, that's good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you're far enough.
November 10, 2009
Taurus As you'll soon learn, there are scandals and then there are Scandals—depending on whether or not the word starts at the beginning of a sentence.
November 3, 2009
Gemini You'll once again fall for the oldest trick in the book this week, moments after picking up a copy of the King James Bible.
October 27, 2009
Cancer A number of amazing breakthroughs will be made this week in the field of electroshock therapy, though researchers will be laughing way too hard to officially announce them.
October 20, 2009
Leo You've never been able to bear the sight of blood. Luckily for you, concentrated arrangements of sulfuric acid will liquefy your retinas long before the radial arm saw starts in.
October 13, 2009
Virgo The broken ribs, fractured skull, and dislocated shoulder won't hurt at all, mostly because you'll suffer them after being dropped by drunken pallbearers.
October 6, 2009
Libra They say that behind every successful man is a woman, but all you really see is a dozen or so monkeys, three spotlights, and a playbill for Arthur Miller's The Crucible.
September 22, 2009
Scorpio Scorpio is the most generous, magnanimous, and noble of all the Zodiacal signs, but that's still no reason for the board to grant you parole.
September 15, 2009
Sagittarius Your face will make headlines nationwide. Unfortunately, the headlines will read, "Get A Load Of This Poor Bastard's Ugly Face."
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.
