Your Horoscope
By Lloyd Schumner Sr.Retired Machinist and A.A.P.B-Certified Astrologer
Aries March 21 - April 19
You say you're not a cat person, but the graceful movements, the purring, and the fur give you away.
Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will be fired for abusing your lighthouse-keeper position when passing ship captains grow weary of your sky-spanning vacation slides.
Gemini May 21 - June 21
You never thought smoking in the forest endangered you, but that was before an angry Smokey decided to stop fucking around about the fire-prevention thing.
Cancer June 22 - July 22
You have a right to be happy, but that might not outweigh the feelings of the dozens who so enjoy your misery.
Leo July 23 - August 22
The truth is indeed elusive, hard to comprehend, and subjective. What we're trying to say is: You're fat.
Virgo August 23 - September 22
Uninvolved bystanders will witness your crime, but due to its graphic nature, they can no longer be considered "innocent."
Libra September 23 - October 23
The stars, in their infinite variety, indicate both romance ahead for lucky Libra and the approximate age of the universe for competent astronomers.
Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You've always been a fashion-forward trendsetter, which is why, after next Thursday, they'll all be saying that getting shot in the face is the new black.
Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Americans are tired of politics as usual, but no one ever gets tired of unanimous bipartisan actions against you.
Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Your personal tragedy will make people stop and think about how it's equally tragic to die two days after retirement.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
There's no sense cutting costs when it comes to hiring a personal trainer, if your back-breaking weeks of helping people move are any guide.
Pisces February 19 - March 20
Gradual, almost imperceptible change will make you a better person over the course of the next 37,000 years.
Past Horoscopes
August 19, 2008
Issue 44•34
Aries You'll lean on friends and family members this week, slowly drowning all of them when your boat capsizes.
August 12, 2008
Issue 44•33
Taurus The stars, in their infinite wisdom, indicate that you have something on your shirt. Also the stars indicate that you always fall for that one.
August 5, 2008
Issue 44•32
Gemini Remember: While resorting to violence is never the answer, starting off with violence almost always is.
July 29, 2008
Issue 44•31
Cancer The rise of Uranus in your sign indicates great loss and misfortune, but you'll be too busy giggling to yourself to really notice.
July 22, 2008
Issue 44•30
Leo You've never been the athletic type, so it's a bit of a surprise when you're suddenly struck with a dozen errant javelins.
July 15, 2008
Issue 44•29
Virgo You'll finally catch the great white whale this week, only to realize the damned thing is just a metaphor.
July 8, 2008
Issue 44•28
Libra Your financial situation takes a turn for the worse this week when that damn quarter slips loose and falls behind a sofa cushion.
June 17, 2008
Issue 44•25
Scorpio Turns out it's neither the heat nor the humidity, but rather a foot-long meatball sub that will cause all the sweating.
June 10, 2008
Issue 44•24
Sagittarius When carrying out a book-burning, first stoke the fire with smaller, lighter works from Austen and Waugh, before throwing on the heavier hardbacks of Tolstoy and Joyce.